Rollin' with Prince

Congratulations to everyone that won the Golden Globes awards... except for you, Ugly Betty! Sorry, we have a history. I asked her out on a date and she completely rejected me. Something about ugly being in and good-looking being so five minutes ago.

Anyway, I'm here to clear up some rumors. You may have heard that Prince was nowhere to be found when his award was offered to him from Best Song. Every rumor has been flying around from his hatred towards self-congratulations to his supposed beef with Justin Timberlake, who presented the award. All lies I tell you. I know the real truth.

Prince wanted to play basketball.

Yes, the sketch from "Chappelle's Show" is absolutely true. When Prince feels the need, b-ball he must play. He wanted to do a little one-on-one, and somehow he saw me through our possessed television, so he asked me to play him a couple of rounds. I kept telling him that he was going to be late to the Golden Globes, but he kept wanting to play. "2 out of 3," he'd shout. Then "3 out of 5." Then "5 out of 7." Which didn't make much sense since he beat me in every game.

So hopefully this will help explain the myth that is the Arist Once Known As The Arist Formally Known As But Now Is Again The Artist Known As Prince. Oh, and Isiah Washington from "Grey's Anatomy" stopped by, too, but I won't divulge what he said while he was here. The man's in enough trouble as it is.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everybody. Sorry it's been a while since we posted. The place gets real crowded around here during the holidays - all of the characters from various holiday specials hang out here. It's a mess.

Heatmiser wants to turn up the heat, Coldmiser wants to cut it down. Rudolph isn't allowed to play the Nintendo Wii with the other reindeer. And Clarence the angel keeps turning our house black and white. I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of a dog.

I'm glad they're all gone now. Well, except for Hermie the Elf Dentist. He's the primary care provider on my dental plan.

Where is the cast of Lost?

A lot of people have been wondering what happens to the cast of "Lost" while the show is on break until February. Well, thanks to our precious TV, they're here. Yes, the entire cast, for some reason, have decided to crash at our place.

And it's becoming a little annoying. I could understand the cast of "The Honeymooners" or "The Odd Couple" stopping by, because their cast size is much smaller. Having 20-some odd people in your home can become quite hectic, especially with each of them having their little quirks.

Jack keeps wanting me to tell him where Kate and Sawyer are running off to. I can't keep any food in the fridge cause Hurley keeps eating it. Locke changed my phone number to 481-516-2342.

I keep trying to have a conversation with Juliet, but she always wants to have two conversations with me: one in person while another is being played on videotape. It's hard to keep focus. Sayid, just for kicks, starts shoving bamboo under Darryl's fingernails. Sun is pregnant, but no one knows if the father is Jin or Dr. Rick.

Charlie keeps taking Virgin Mary statues into the bathroom and locking the door. And I swear, I saw the dead body of Mr. Eko in my backyard, surrounded by a cloud of black smoke. Now that's just uncalled for, cast of "Lost." I let the polar bear in the garage slide, but this is just too much.

I hope they leave soon, cause word's starting to get out to the other TV show that have breaks that they're here. And that's no good, because "Prison Break" is about to go on hiatus and I don't need The Fox River 8 hiding out in my bedroom.

It's my creation

Hi Everybody!

It was on a dreary night of November, that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. With an anxiety that almost amounted to agony, I collected the instruments of life around me, that I might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet. It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open; it breathed hard, and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs.

Wait a minute. What am I talking about. Sorry. Lots of long nights. I just got out of the lab. I've made something very special. I call her V.I.C.I. She's a living robot. A learning A.I. I created her from spare parts that I bought from this guy in the back alley of this toy store. A lot of people told me, it couldn't be done. But I knew I had the technology and that she could be built. So I made her in my home lab, away from the Office of Scientific Intelligence. I will not bore you with the details of her constructions. Let's just say she is made up of hydraulic, pneumatic and assorted electrical parts. Also there is a little bit of sugar, spice and everything nice. Oh yeah, one more ingredient, Chemical X. While my hope is that V.I.C.I with her powers, will do good. I feel that something bad is going to happen. Probably from mounting her battery pack in the front of her chest. I have to do more calculations on this matter.

Bye Everybody!

* See what happened to Dr. Rick's creation.

Sylar's not too bad of a guy

So there's been all this talk lately about Sylar from "Heroes" - who is he, what's his background, why is he killing people with superpowers?

Leave Sylar alone, all right. The guy actually stopped by our home a couple of days ago, and other than the fact that he opens up the heads and freezes the brains of anyone with special powers, he's actually quite a normal guy.

Here's some things you may not know about Sylar: On Tuesday nights, he attends a knitting class. He saves kittens on the streets and finds them good homes. He loves watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." He makes one of the most fluffiest eggs you've ever tasted. He sheds a tear when he watches "Ally McBeal." He thinks Star Jones was done wrong. He was a champion rhythm gymnast in high school. He has a big collection of Pound Puppies. He's a huge Rachel Ray fan. He's never been to Hooters.

So, before you judge someone like Sylar, get to know him first. Unless you're a superhero, because then he'll open your head, but for all your normies, he's a regular Joe just like you and me.

Cherie sent to rehab

It's a sad day in the home. We had to send my little sister Cherie off to rehab to get cleaned up. You see, she got addicted to a very dangerous drug... Flintstones Chewables. She gave in to peer pressure. She knew she shouldn't do it, but she was just under so much stress from her upcoming role in the theater production of "Forever Rudy: The Keshia Knight Pulliam Story," and I guess it just all came crashing down on her.

She's sent me a couple of letters to let me know she's doing alright, and she's met lots of new friends there while she's getting herself clean. Nice people like Whitney Houston, Robert Downey Jr., Rush Limbaugh, and Balki from Perfect Strangers (turns out there's not such a place as Meepos, that was just the drugs talking). While there, she's learning that there are plenty other less-fun, less-colorful vitamins out there that are so boring, there's no way you can get addicted to them.

We hope she gets out soon and comes back home, I actually do miss her. I wish her well. I also hope this epidemic stops so that awesome pop group Just-Us Justins 3 can go back to singing love ballads and dance-pop hits rather than making PSAs.

We also think it's important that people understand how serious this epidemic is, so here's a video dramatization of what occurred with Cherie's addiction. We hope that you watch it with others so that no one you care about ends up in the same situation.