TV JUNKIES presents The Wacky Weblogs of Larry and Darryl

Rollin' with Prince

2007-01-19T16:31:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to everyone that won the Golden Globes awards... except for you, Ugly Betty! Sorry, we have a history. I asked her out on a date and she completely rejected me. Something about ugly being in and good-looking being so five minutes ago.

Anyway, I'm here to clear up some rumors. You may have heard that Prince was nowhere to be found when his award was offered to him from Best Song. Every rumor has been flying around from his hatred towards self-congratulations to his supposed beef with Justin Timberlake, who presented the award. All lies I tell you. I know the real truth.

Prince wanted to play basketball.

Yes, the sketch from "Chappelle's Show" is absolutely true. When Prince feels the need, b-ball he must play. He wanted to do a little one-on-one, and somehow he saw me through our possessed television, so he asked me to play him a couple of rounds. I kept telling him that he was going to be late to the Golden Globes, but he kept wanting to play. "2 out of 3," he'd shout. Then "3 out of 5." Then "5 out of 7." Which didn't make much sense since he beat me in every game.

So hopefully this will help explain the myth that is the Arist Once Known As The Arist Formally Known As But Now Is Again The Artist Known As Prince. Oh, and Isiah Washington from "Grey's Anatomy" stopped by, too, but I won't divulge what he said while he was here. The man's in enough trouble as it is.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, everybody. Sorry it's been a while since we posted. The place gets real crowded around here during the holidays - all of the characters from various holiday specials hang out here. It's a mess.

Heatmiser wants to turn up the heat, Coldmiser wants to cut it down. Rudolph isn't allowed to play the Nintendo Wii with the other reindeer. And Clarence the angel keeps turning our house black and white. I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of a dog.

I'm glad they're all gone now. Well, except for Hermie the Elf Dentist. He's the primary care provider on my dental plan.

Where is the cast of Lost?

2006-11-30T17:56:00.000-08:00

A lot of people have been wondering what happens to the cast of "Lost" while the show is on break until February. Well, thanks to our precious TV, they're here. Yes, the entire cast, for some reason, have decided to crash at our place.

And it's becoming a little annoying. I could understand the cast of "The Honeymooners" or "The Odd Couple" stopping by, because their cast size is much smaller. Having 20-some odd people in your home can become quite hectic, especially with each of them having their little quirks.

Jack keeps wanting me to tell him where Kate and Sawyer are running off to. I can't keep any food in the fridge cause Hurley keeps eating it. Locke changed my phone number to 481-516-2342.

I keep trying to have a conversation with Juliet, but she always wants to have two conversations with me: one in person while another is being played on videotape. It's hard to keep focus. Sayid, just for kicks, starts shoving bamboo under Darryl's fingernails. Sun is pregnant, but no one knows if the father is Jin or Dr. Rick.

Charlie keeps taking Virgin Mary statues into the bathroom and locking the door. And I swear, I saw the dead body of Mr. Eko in my backyard, surrounded by a cloud of black smoke. Now that's just uncalled for, cast of "Lost." I let the polar bear in the garage slide, but this is just too much.

I hope they leave soon, cause word's starting to get out to the other TV show that have breaks that they're here. And that's no good, because "Prison Break" is about to go on hiatus and I don't need The Fox River 8 hiding out in my bedroom.

It's my creation

2006-11-29T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody!

It was on a dreary night of November, that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. With an anxiety that almost amounted to agony, I collected the instruments of life around me, that I might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet. It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open; it breathed hard, and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs.

Wait a minute. What am I talking about. Sorry. Lots of long nights. I just got out of the lab. I've made something very special. I call her V.I.C.I. She's a living robot. A learning A.I. I created her from spare parts that I bought from this guy in the back alley of this toy store. A lot of people told me, it couldn't be done. But I knew I had the technology and that she could be built. So I made her in my home lab, away from the Office of Scientific Intelligence. I will not bore you with the details of her constructions. Let's just say she is made up of hydraulic, pneumatic and assorted electrical parts. Also there is a little bit of sugar, spice and everything nice. Oh yeah, one more ingredient, Chemical X. While my hope is that V.I.C.I with her powers, will do good. I feel that something bad is going to happen. Probably from mounting her battery pack in the front of her chest. I have to do more calculations on this matter.

Bye Everybody!

* See what happened to Dr. Rick's creation.

Sylar's not too bad of a guy

2006-11-20T18:15:00.000-08:00

So there's been all this talk lately about Sylar from "Heroes" - who is he, what's his background, why is he killing people with superpowers?

Leave Sylar alone, all right. The guy actually stopped by our home a couple of days ago, and other than the fact that he opens up the heads and freezes the brains of anyone with special powers, he's actually quite a normal guy.

Here's some things you may not know about Sylar: On Tuesday nights, he attends a knitting class. He saves kittens on the streets and finds them good homes. He loves watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." He makes one of the most fluffiest eggs you've ever tasted. He sheds a tear when he watches "Ally McBeal." He thinks Star Jones was done wrong. He was a champion rhythm gymnast in high school. He has a big collection of Pound Puppies. He's a huge Rachel Ray fan. He's never been to Hooters.

So, before you judge someone like Sylar, get to know him first. Unless you're a superhero, because then he'll open your head, but for all your normies, he's a regular Joe just like you and me.

Cherie sent to rehab

2006-11-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

It's a sad day in the home. We had to send my little sister Cherie off to rehab to get cleaned up. You see, she got addicted to a very dangerous drug... Flintstones Chewables. She gave in to peer pressure. She knew she shouldn't do it, but she was just under so much stress from her upcoming role in the theater production of "Forever Rudy: The Keshia Knight Pulliam Story," and I guess it just all came crashing down on her.

She's sent me a couple of letters to let me know she's doing alright, and she's met lots of new friends there while she's getting herself clean. Nice people like Whitney Houston, Robert Downey Jr., Rush Limbaugh, and Balki from Perfect Strangers (turns out there's not such a place as Meepos, that was just the drugs talking). While there, she's learning that there are plenty other less-fun, less-colorful vitamins out there that are so boring, there's no way you can get addicted to them.

We hope she gets out soon and comes back home, I actually do miss her. I wish her well. I also hope this epidemic stops so that awesome pop group Just-Us Justins 3 can go back to singing love ballads and dance-pop hits rather than making PSAs.

We also think it's important that people understand how serious this epidemic is, so here's a video dramatization of what occurred with Cherie's addiction. We hope that you watch it with others so that no one you care about ends up in the same situation.

Adopting a black kid

2006-11-03T12:24:00.000-08:00

Marcia yelled at me today, telling me I'm not a responsible person, just because I haven't done a couple of things she asked me to. Hey, I know what comes on television on 500 different channels between 8 and 10pm. If that's not responsible, I don't know what is. Still, I wish I could prove to her that I can be more responsible.

I talked to Darryl about it while we were watching "The Sassy But Adorable Black Kid Adoption Hour." It's this fun hour on the Classic TV Network where they air Diff'rent Strokes and then Webster. While we were watching, Darryl put a thought in my head that Mr. Drummond and Mr. Papadapolis were fine examples of responsible men, being older, well-off, Caucasian males who would open their doors to inner-city youth like that.

That got me thinking, that could be it. I could be just like Mr. Drummond and Mr. Papdapolis and adopt. But it's got to be in their style, I have to adopt a sassy but adorable black kid like Webster or Arnold and Willis. The problem is I don't know any sassy but adorable black kids.

In fact, the only black youth I really know closely is... Darryl...

*See what happened as a result of Larry's thoughts.

Brother, Brother

2006-10-31T12:38:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of Sister, Sister and I've always wondered what would it be like to have a twin brother, just like Tia and Tamera. What I always love is that those two have different personalities, so when needed, they switch places to help each other out. Tamera's lousy at test taking (like myself), so she switches with Tia who can take the test for her. Or Tia's scared of a first date (I've been there), so Tamera takes her place and gets the party started. It's just such an awesome thing.

I always wonder what it would be like to have the Tamera to my Tia, the Mary-Kate to my Ashley, the Patty Duke to my... Patty Duke. You see, I have this anatomy test coming up for massage school, and I know all the info but I stink at test-taking. If only I could switch places with a twin and he take the test for me. And maybe he's lousy at something I could help him with. That would be cool, but I guess I won't have that opportunity because I don't have a twin. All I have is a little sister, and she looks nothing like me, so the switching places thing won't work.

*Darryl doesn't have a twin brother... or does he? Find out here.

I finished my book!

2006-10-30T03:14:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody!

I finally finished my magnum opus. The book everyone is going to be talking about.
In-between guest starring roles on Delta House and Fast Times. The book is titled "Changing Your Character and Becoming a New Man". It was sent to my publisher and the first copies are going to be available in Luxemburg very soon. So go out and get it as fast as you can. I'm really very proud of it. It will contain words and a number of pages of paper. And probably a nice binder with it's name on it. Something for your shelves at home or at work. Prices will vary, due to labor costs in different parts of the world and the frequency of trees. For those of you who feel print is dead, there will also be an audio version read by Gilbert Gottfried coming soon. So find your copy today.

I've already had one satisfied customer. Here is video proof of his results.

Bye Everybody!

I (Heart) the 80's

2006-09-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Most people vacation on an island on at an amusement park where grown men and women dress up like cartoon characters. But today, Darryl and I went on a most totally awesome trip. We went back in time to the 80's! It's totally rad, I hooked up an Atari 2600, dusted off the Sony Walkman so I can listen to "We are the World," and I think later today we're even going to go see Back to the Future in the theaters (right after some make-out time with Marcia, cause as they say in the 80's, "let's get physical.")

Darryl keeps acting all grody about it, talkin' some nonsense about Vanessa's fading away because of our time travels or some junk. Whatever, dude, she's just hungry. I say we take her to the food court at the mall! Righteous!

Well, gotta go. This lady on Press Your Luck has got three Whammies and one spin left, and she's trying to decide whether to play or pass. Talk about pressure. Be excellent to each other and party on, dudes!

P.S. Whoa, how am I writing a blog? They weren't invented yet in the 80's. Heavy! Anyways, I recorded all of our time-travel adventures on my BETA recorder, so check it out!

A gift for Vanessa

2006-09-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

Vanessa and I are celebrating our two-week anniversary of her not being mad at me. You don't understand, that's a tough feat for me to accomplish. I saw all of her African dance performances, I read all of her poems, and I even turned down a Bosom Buddies marathon to spend a day with her in the park.

To top it all off, I'm giving her a special present tonight I got from eBay. It's a ring I bought from some guy named Spike from a city in California... Sunnydale, I believe. He says this ring is very special, and that once I put it on her finger, in no time she'll be biting at my neck. All right, I love foreplay!

I'll tell you how the date went soon. I have to go check on Marcia. She also bought some stuff from eBay from a girl named Buffy. I'll have to see what she got.

*See how Darryl's date went after giving Vanessa her present.

Sick of Shumway

2006-09-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

Lots of strange things have happened in our home since Larry got this new TV he apparently won in a contest. First off, I fell earlier today, and I swore I heard a laugh track. And we weren't even watching a sitcom at the time, we were watching Homicide: Life on the Street!

Then, you won't believe this, but Dr. Rick Savage himself walked into our home (By the way, if you know what TV show he's in, could you tell me? I can never remember). And suddenly, in our backyard was ALF. Yeah, from the TV show ALF. I thought it would be awesome to have him live in our home, but it's not as cool as it was when you see it on TV. This guy's annoying, he brings weird pets, he broke my special collection of Barney Miller glasses, and he even tried to steal my girlfriend in front of me.

I couldn't remember what happened to ALF, cause I stopped watching ALF after the 2nd season (but then again, so did everybody else), so I called the Alien Task Force to come get him. I hope they can help, because he's actually succeeding in hooking up with my girlfriend... and Larry's too. I hope the Alien Task Force will come soon and give us some good advice. I don't think I can take another day of living with Gordon Shumway.

Oh yeah, Gordon Shumway's his real name. He likes being called that. He calls ALF his slave name.

*See what happens when two guys have ALF as their roommate.

I won a contest!

2006-09-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

The strangest thing happened to me. I got a package in the mail from the cable company. Yeah, it sounds generic, but who cares? You'll never guess what they sent me. A brand new big-screen TV! Awesome!

Even though Darryl and I are total TV junkies, we never put out the cash to get a huge TV, so we had been watching a 13-inch television all this time. And I, for one, am tired of that. The other day, I was watching The Facts of Life, and I started getting all hot thinking I was checking out Blair Warner... turns out it was Mrs. Garrett! Darryl probably doesn't think that's so nasty though, he has a strange fetish for Charlotte Rae.

I know Marcia's not going to be too happy about this TV, so I figure I'll try to spend some time with her so she doesn't feel alienated. Hey, speaking of alienated, I know the first show I want to watch on this puppy... ALF. I love that show! But I know Darryl wants to check out that new spin-off series, Buffy the Umpire Slayer, but I think that show has catastrophe of AfterM*A*S*H proportions if I ever saw one.

Wow, two roomies sitting at home watching a big-screen TV. My life is finally starting to feel normal again.